Get Out of the Rut - Episode # 5
Life's Purpose
Today I would love to talk to you about something that I have lived through. And so I know how painful this is, but I have seen lately with a lot of my clients and they keep on almost complaining about the same thing.
Just sharing how they are feeling and I thought this would be a good topic to share with everyone.
We all have this type of suffering that we feel like we can't quite talk to anyone about it. We have this beautiful life that we worked so hard to accomplish. We have everything that we could possibly dream of and then we feel empty. We feel like something's missing. We feel this void with us. We can't even complain to anyone. I mean, really, you can't really go out there and talk to your neighbor. Even your best friend, it's almost embarrassing. How can you possibly complain about something since you have everything? And that is where I was living through this whole misery. And I had no idea what was wrong. I remember once calling a therapist out of nowhere and it was just like, I must be depressed. Like there's something wrong with me because I just can't feel happy, I can't feel fulfilled with this amazing life that I have. I couldn't understand what was happening.
I remember having this like very hard time finding this fulfillment because my life seemed like had no purpose. I saw once my husband, he came home from work. I had my three little kids that I adore. And my husband was telling me about this promotion that he was going for. He had finished his MBA, he was, you know, growing in his company and people are really telling him how much he was accomplishing. And I was happy for him, of course, but I noticed that inside, I was feeling a little bit of jealousy. It's like why I don't have anything like this. I have so such a lack of purpose in my life that I didn't even have a goal that I could maybe try to go for it.
And here I had this wonderful husband that looked at me and like, he wanted to support me in something. He wanted to help me grow in some way. And I just didn't know what that would be. And that was such a hard situation to be in. When you can choose anything, do you want to go back to school? Right? Do you want to get a master's? Do you want to start something completely new? Would you like a new business? What do you want? And I just didn't know what I wanted because I felt so empty. And lately I have seen this showing up quite a bit in my coaching, because I feel like, especially after COVID, when you had this whole time at home, right, you had so much time in your hands to figure things out and now the life is almost back to normal and you see the people in your life getting back to normal.
Kids are back in school, just fine. Husband's back to work, sometimes even not working from home anymore. And you're left here with, you know, this place of wonder. And the worst thing is that a lot of times you make it mean something bad about us, right? I don't know what I want because I am bad because I am not good enough.
Especially when you don't have anyone else to blame. It's almost easier when your husband is spending all the money with his education and you can't get an education yourself or when your kids are very little and you need to spend all of your time with them. It was like, Oh, I have a great excuse.
I can't really do anything with my life because this is my life now, right? Like being a mom and staying home with the kids. But what happens when you have no more excuses and it's just you in a house and you just don't know what to do. And that is such a painful situation. And it's so hard for you to just talk to someone about it.
It's so hard for you to even find the connection point with somebody that would understand you because it sounds so selfish, not as much for the person listening to you. But for you, saying things like this out loud, saying that you're not happy, saying that you don't feel fulfilled with this beautiful life, sounds so selfish.
And it's so easy for you to get into the whole cycle of guilt and shame, right? You feel guilt for saying something or for feeling something. And then you feel the shame for even having those emotions in the first place. And I get it. And this Such a hard place to be, and it's so difficult to get out of it.
That's why I wanted to talk to you about this situation. Because again, as I said, I can see it happening quite a bit lately. And the best thing that I could tell you, I would give you a couple of journaling prompts for you to work through this.
But the best thing I want to say, first of all, accept where you are.
It's okay for you to be feeling the way you're feeling right now, right? It's okay for you to even acknowledge that you are choosing to spend more time dedicated to your children, like focusing on the kids or focusing on your husband and his education or his work instead of focusing on yourself.
There's nothing wrong with this. Things start to get very tricky when you think that what you are doing is wrong. And I see a lot of life coaches out there, you know, on social media talking about, Oh, you need to look at your own life. You need to take care of yourself first. The whole self care industry, right?
You need to take care of your, you can't, how do they say? You can, uh, pour from an empty cup. All of those things. It sounds so great, but I think it just adds to the guilt of, uh, see, I shouldn't be doing this, even though that's what you want to do, right? Like. Sometimes you do want to spend more time or your focus on your kids or your husband, but then you see all those things like, Oh, I should be taking care of myself first.
So I wanted to almost give you permission to not take care of yourself first. If that is not what you're choosing deliberately. I want you to pay attention that if you are taking care of the kids first, if you are taking care of your husband's first or your job even, right? Like If you are doing this for the job that you are okay putting yourself second, there's nothing wrong with this because I like to explain these as what is driving you to feel the way you're feeling?
Is it coming from love where you're like, Okay, I need to pay extra attention in myself. I need to take care of myself. Is this from love or is that from the judgment side of I am not good enough because I'm doing this wrong. I have to take care of myself. I have to be meditating.
I have to be eating better, because if not, it means that I don't love myself. I feel like that it's you really pushing that self care down your throat and you start to resent yourself for wanting to have a better life. I know that sounds so weird, but I see clients in this painful suffering, you know, Weak, because they're trying so hard to find something that is just not there.
Right? If you are not feeling the need or the desire to put yourself first. Sometimes even acknowledging that it's already a big win, just the acknowledgement that, Oh, interesting as of right now, I am putting my job first or I'm putting my husband first, I'm putting my children first and accepting that that is where you are.
And from these acceptance, you can see how there's nothing wrong with you and there's nothing wrong with the situation, accepting where you are being in a place of where I'm choosing to do life the way I'm doing right now, it's the first step for you to really change, for you to decide right there, if you want to change or if you want to stay the way you are right now.
So wherever you are, I want you to answer this question. Like with all the truth in your heart, I like to say that all progress starts by telling the truth. Even if it's a truth that everyone else thinks that it's wrong, it's okay. But when you were choosing to put yourself last in your list, are you really paying attention to that?
Or it's just. What happened, right? Oh, I have kids and now I can't take care of myself. When I had three kids under two years old, my son was about 18 months old when my twins came. And it was hard for me to put them first and just to hear other people saying that I should be first, right? I should take care of myself first.
That is impossible. I didn't want to. But not because it's wrong, it's because of survival. I had to put my children first during that time. I wanted to. I was okay having sleepless nights so I could be taking care of them. I didn't love it every single time, but just the thought of doing extra self care during that time, it was stressful.
When I dropped that, when I dropped the belief that I had to do things for myself, I was able to do things for myself. Does that make sense? When I stopped thinking that the way I was doing life was really wrong and it should be different. That's when I was able to really enjoy that motherhood.
That mothering during that time of my life. So that's the message that I would like to share with you today. I know it sounds so weird for me to be saying this out loud, but I say this to my clients all the time. If you think, if you're feeling the pressure of putting yourself first, right? If you feel that this pressure, this, uh, sense of obligation that you have to wake up earlier before the kids, you have to start meditating, you have to journal because that's the only way for you to grow, that's what is adding all the pressure. And what I was saying in the beginning is this, when you feel like your life doesn't really have purpose, you looking for the purpose everywhere, trying to find and thinking that something is wrong with you for not having that purpose is what is making you miserable.
It's not the lack of purpose because you do have a purpose in life. But you need to go within to actually see it and figure this out. But we are looking outside. You're looking at what is the next college that I can go, the next master's or the next promotion that you can have a work. That's not the things that will give you the pleasure and the peace and the feelings of accomplishment. It's one step before that. That's what I would love for you to talk to you today.
So a few journaling prompts that I would love for you to, if you don't have it yet, get a really beautiful journal, get a journal that it can be like your self growth, that self development journal and I will give you tons of prompts every week that you can really sit down and talk a little bit to yourself and really try to get to know yourself in a deeper level. I really do believe that self love comes from understanding yourself. You don't really feel that unconditional love until you understand who you truly are, that you understand why you think the way you're thinking. Even what I'm saying today, when you start to understand why you feel the lack of purpose, it's coming because you believe that you don't have a purpose.
This void that you feel, this belief that something is missing comes from you looking outside of you and trying to do what everybody else is telling you to do. When you understand what is happening, you can understand the void. You can really start to love, like having more compassion towards yourself.
That's where the self love comes from. And let me tell you, when you really understand yourself in this deeper level, and you really love yourself so unconditionally, you get to achieve the goals you want, you actually get to create goals that you want. You get to understand why your soul craves to have, and then you can go for it.
But it's not from thinking that something is missing or that something's wrong with you. It's from understanding that who you are today, it's wonderful and it's beautiful and it's enough. Now you get to choose what you want to do for the rest of your life.
Also known as your purpose. Okay. So here's some journaling prompts for you.
I would love for you to start noticing what are the things that you don't like in your life right now. That, you knowing what you don't like, will really help you gain a lot more clarity on the things that you do like and the things that you do want. Right? If I just stop with you and ask, what is it that you want for, you know, five years from now?
Who do you want to be in five years? A lot of times we just don't know. We have no idea. But when you start seeing of what is it that you don't like in your life right now, what are the things that if you would change? Another way of thinking is if you had a little wand, a magic wand, and you're just like, okay, this, I don't want it in my life right now.
What would that be? That just gives you clarity towards the things that you do want. And again, not that you need to go for it. You just want to know, you just want to understand what are the things right now, that's not really filling your soul.
Another thing that I noticed is that when we start doing this type of exercise, We think that, Oh, now I need to go for it. And that's not at all. We just want to really gain clarity. Again, when you start to understand who you are and what you want, right, we develop this sense of love and compassion.
That's all what we were doing right now. So take a little inventory in your life, right? Just look around right now, as you're listening to this podcast, look around and notice what are the things that you don't like in your life. What are the things that if you could, you would change? And if you want to go even deeper, think of if you could change, what would that be instead?
What would you do instead of having those things?
The next exercise, the next journaling prompt I would offer you is to imagine your perfect day. I like doing this early morning when, you know, maybe once a month or so, I really like to go through my life and imagine five years from now or three years from now, what would I like my life to be like, like what would be my perfect day?
It starts from first thing in the morning when you first wake up, what are the type of pajamas you want to be wearing on your perfect day? What is the type of house you wanted to have, right? Who is on your bed with you? Is that your husband or not? Just think about those things and just with this playful wonder, the sense of wonder and curiosity.
Again, you don't need to go for it, but I wanted to start being more clear on the things that you do want, the things that truly you desire. This exercise helped me once because, not only once, several times, but one in particular, I can remember. I used to run every single day and then I was working more hours and I just didn't have the time to work out. And I was working about 70 hours a week. It was really hard. And one day I was doing this exercise and I pictured my perfect day was that I would wake up early morning, like always and before breakfast, I would go for a run outside and I just picture myself running and it was so wonderful.
I just felt like all that energy coming through me, right. It was really fun. And then I come home and I get my breakfast with my kids. And it was just like this very peaceful way of starting my day because I went for a run. And the day went on, I kept imagining all the things that I would do on my perfect day.
But that got stuck with me because I didn't have to wait for anything else. For me to go out for a run in the morning, it was just me choosing to go, almost like convincing my body that yes, we can get out and start running. And that's how I start running again. And it was a beautiful way for me to get connected with myself that only happened because I was able to sit down and ask myself, what would I love my perfect day to be like?
And this idea was like for maybe 10 years from now. And I was able to start, you know, just grabbing little pieces of this perfect day and sprinkling on my life right now. That was one of the things that I got back on doing. And I feel great. I can totally see the difference of my productivity, my energy, when I do run in the morning and when I don't.
So, This comes from this, the perfect day, this exercise. So just ask yourself, right? Five years from now, imagine that five years from now, what would your day be like, what would you eat during that day? Who are your friends? Would you go out for a drink? Would you go out for coffee in the morning? Would you, what were you going to do with your friends? Do you have friends? How many, do you have a really fun group of friends? Who are they?
Just really picture that those people that you're surrounding yourself with, are you spending more time with your family? So if your kids are 10 years old, like my kids are about 10 years old, they will be fall on teenagers five years from now.
How would my relationship with them be? Those are all the things that you can start thinking a little bit more during this perfect day.
As you think about this perfect day, I want you to really ask yourself, do you believe this is possible for you? Or are you just imagining something so far away that you're like, no, that would never happen. For me, I always use the example of 1 billion. I cannot even imagine. I just watched a few shows like Billions and Succession where they're all full on billionaires and they have their private jets or they fly everywhere. They have those, you know, crazy family relationships. And that doesn't even cross my mind that would be able to happen to me. So I wouldn't have my perfect day living as a billionaire. But other goals that I might have that I'm like, you know, in five years from now, I might be able to achieve that goal. Imagine that, what would that be like? How would you be waking up?
Another thing that I like thinking, so what are the problems from that future self, right? The future version of you. Because, you know, five years from now, you will also have some problems. What would the problems be? How would you act towards those problems?
When you receive a phone call and it's, you know, not a nice message or maybe something that happened with your taxes. This is like the time I'm doing my taxes. So that's the example that comes to mind. How would you act towards that? What will your future self, the future version of you do in your perfect day when you receive bad news?
Because that might happen and it doesn't make your day less perfect. But how would you act towards that? All of those things are fun things for you to think about as you're thinking of this perfect day. And again, all of those things are very helpful to bring clarity to your purpose.
If your life, five years from now, the first thing that you can imagine is spending time with your grandchildren, guess what?
You're just starting to notice a little bit more about your purpose. But if it is something that you would like to have a full new profession, I was coaching someone once and she had like three or four little kids. And as we were going through this exercise, she decided that she would love to be a lawyer.
So her five years from now, she was thinking about how cool it would be for her to be a lawyer. That was her big dream that she didn't even notice until she did this exercise. And she was like, Oh, but I have all those little kids. There's no way I can go through law school. And for a second there, she thought that the dream was gone.
Like she couldn't even dream of being a lawyer in five years because, you know. Her purpose was different. She had the kids that she wanted to take care of. It's not a have to that it's so heavy. It's that deliberately she was choosing to not pursue her desires right now to stay with the kids. And that desire was bigger than the one of becoming a lawyer.
That's where I was asking you to really know that those things are okay for you to have. It's okay for you to have that dream and desire for the future. And choose to do something else for right now. It's totally fine. But what she did was that she contacted a friend of hers that was really good friends with a lawyer and she starts to pick up some extra work that she could do at home with the kids.
I don't know exactly what she was doing, but she was really involved with this law firm. She was very excited to even be working with them. It wasn't about the money. It wasn't about getting away from the kids or even becoming a lawyer. It was that she was able to start getting involved with something that really light her soul.
See, I say that. Uh, got her heart filled, she started feeling more fulfilled in her life without really changing much. She wasn't going through law school right away, but she was able to get that desire alive, something that she didn't even know she wanted. So that's the power of this perfect day work.
And I would really love for you to do this. And I would love for you to tell me how it went, right? If you find something that you start noticing that The desire is there, you just didn't know before, and you see, you are not chasing that desire. It's not something heavy that, Oh, now that I know I have to do it.
No, it's more of, I get to add something else to my life that brings me a lot of joy without changing the purpose and while changing the priorities that I have right now. That's the goal. Because let me tell you, when you're living day by day, seeing everybody else around you growing and doing new things, and you feel like you're empty, there's nothing happening in your life, you're just here to support other people, you're not doing anything for yourself. That is so painful. It's so painful and it doesn't have to be this way. And you also don't need to like figure out the whole purpose in your life. The purpose is within you and you find this day by day. You find this by choosing to do life the way you're doing. You find this purpose by deliberately choosing to stay present with your life. Choosing all the things that's happening in your life right now. Not things that you have to do.
I would never say that I have to take care of my kids. I have to make them breakfast. I'm so blessed that I get to spend this time with them and yet I get to desire what I want for five years from now. I get to desire that, you know what, when they're teenagers and they're like not really wanting to hang out with me anymore. I be able to spend as much time as my coaching business as I want to, because now the priority has changed and I'm okay with that, that's what I would love to invite you to start thinking about this week and really get with new and see what is it that you don't like in your life? What is it that you could change, right? If you want to. And again, last time I would say this, it doesn't mean you have to change anything, but when you bring awareness to the things that just not bringing peace to you, it's much easier for you to go through life because it's not something like nebulous, it's not something that's hidden that you can't even understand why you are so unhappy. You start to put words in this unhappiness you're feeling. So it's so much easier for you to deal with this.
Remember your brain despises the unknown. Your brain does not like to not know what is happening and that's the suffering is when you're like, it's so painful, but I don't even know why. I don't even know why I feel the way I feel.
When you start putting names to these emotions that you're feeling or names to the problems you think you're having, now it's not unknown anymore and now your brain can really work through and decide if you want to keep this or not.
I hope this makes sense to you and I hope it really helps you. I would love to hear from you with, you know, this journaling, if you like the journaling prompts, if you enjoy doing this exercise with me, I can't wait to hear from you, so if you have any insights, please share with me. And I will see you next week.
Bye bye.
